Ansem's Yaoi Adventure
by Muffinkichi
Summary: Ansem and Sephiroth get handcuffed together and there's only one person to help them unlock it. Several unusual events such as Cloud and Squall's marriage and Riku's love confessions for Sora revealed! All KH yaoi couplings included. (Discontinued)
1. Evil Encounters

Chapter One: Evil Encounters

Within my hentai/yaoi-saturated mind, I have created the ultimate KH couple (next to Riku x Sora and Squall x Cloud)! Ansem and Sephiroth!!! I love both Ansem and Sephiroth: what's more perfect then them being couples? Only a doujinshi about them, of course! But due to Disney's law enforcements, they don't allow anything made by fans. Wait a minute, that includes fan fiction, right? O_O. 

Damn you Disney for being strict!!! And straight!!! :X

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. I want to. If I was a multi-billionaire that owned three lucrative humongo industries, I would. But the coupling Ansem x Sephiroth is mine. MINE~!!! Bwahahahahaha~!!! ::Is flamed by SANE people:: 

O_X. Burnt Chicken!!!

****

Ansem sat still without a sound in the wobbly wooden chair of his tiny shack. He had been placed there for reasons unknown to him. His radiant amber-gold eyes looked around in a circumspect manner to seek out any signs of life. He then slowly took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

"Dar--" _Whack! _Before Ansem could finish his sentence (or word in that matter) someone had hit him with an alarm clock. It bounced off his shiny, white head and out the window. He winced.

"Aaargh!!!" Ansem stood up and started thrashing around, yelling, and destroying his property in a frenzy, as if to show his anger and fury towards his usual 'harsh' treatment in KH fan fiction. "Why must you people hit me with flying objects?!?! Especially when I say dar--" _Whack! _This time, a large, beheaded mini figure of a purple dinosaur had been chucked towards Ansem's way and had collided with his head. 

Ansem blindly groped around to look at what had hit him. He screamed bloody murder when finding it to be the horrible singing dinosaur that nauseated everyone by his constant appearances on TV called BARNEY. 

"Aaah!!!!!! The mere name of it gives me the willies!" Ansem quickly disposed of the decapitated doll by stomping on it mercilessly and burning it to ashes ("It removes COOTIES!") with his handy-dandy incense burner.

After taking a few inhales of strawberry jam, he plopped back down to his seat, murmuring about how evil fans were (getting a few more objects thrown at that) and how much abuse he got.

"That's it! I am going to go off on my own (yaoi) adventure and find people who appreciate me! And maybe even friends," Ansem declared, a slight bit of determination in his voice. He packed what little possessions he owned and put them in a little plastic bag. Before leaving the remains of his shack, he carefully looked around.

"DARKNESS!!!" And he ran for his life as multitudes of chairs, binoculars and refrigerators were hurled at him. 

~ 

"OH MY GOD~!!!!! (Now girls. This fic is already crazy enough to include the Lord's name…) IT'S SEPHIROTH!!!!!!" Crowds of fan girls were squealing like dying guinea pigs as they greeted the over-idolized Final Fantasy 7 villain.

Sephiroth gently pushed back a strand of his silver bang that had been a bit loose from the other carefully gelled ones. This caused many fan girls to faint over the use of too much hormone-related energy. So many collapsed that they had to call in the S.W.A.T. team and the national guard. But that wasn't a lot of help either. They were swooning over the silver bish as well.

Sephiroth turned, his long silver hair floating lightly in the air. He walked away, ignorant of the fans' screaming for him. Why did everyone have to follow him? Of course he was beautiful, of course he was drop dead gorgeous…heck, he didn't have a reason for people to not follow him. He closed his eyes in a respectful manner and went on his way.

Ansem walked into this strange town (called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter) and found many people. What could possibly be forming inside Ansem's dark mind?

Ah ha ha, he thought. _Perfect! I shall preach to them about the powers of darkness! _As he thought this, he didn't notice that he was walking into our bishonen, Sephiroth. As they bumped into each other, their lips slightly brushed the other's. They both fell on their (nice) tushies.

"Kyaaa~!" One fan screamed. "That tanned, old man kissed Sephy!!!" All the fans turned to look at Ansem with evil glares in their eyes. 

Ansem was very surprised. He made lots of friends so quickly! "Hiya kids!" Ansem cheerfully called out. 

Obviously, he wasn't aware of the many fans preparing themselves for a war.

"LET'S GET HIM!!!" yelled a fan (boy O_o;;). They were all charging towards poor Ansem with rakes, mops, and even notebooks. Just when they were about to close in upon him, Sephiroth grabbed Ansem's wrist and pulled him out of there.

"Darkness will--huh?" Ansem was interrupted by the Great and Almighty Sephiroth-san dragging him out of the horde of envious fans. Through the stampede, Sephiroth managed to pull the reluctant Ansem out ("They want meeee~") with his one black wing. He flew over the fanatics, and then landed on top of a random building.

Ansem stared blankly at Sephiroth. _Was he? Was he?_

"OH MY DARKNESS!!!" Ansem looked around. No flying objects. "You are that _evil_ Sephiroth from FF7!!!" Ansem put a special emphasis on 'evil' (called italics) for he liked words related to his favorite word, darkness.

Sephiroth sighed deeply. Another one of his fans. Why'd he save the jerk? Wait just a minute. White hair, dark skin, and weird obsessions with darkness? He could only be--

"Oh? Aren't you that Ansem person from Kingdom Hearts?" Sephiroth faintly remembered that superbly embarrassing battle he had to watch as Ansem was being beaten by…a boy with a key. A key. A key, out of all the things he could die by. Sephiroth had died by the blade of a sword: a much less humiliating way to die then from a KEY. A key boy, a stupid dog, and an angry duck. What a team.

Sephiroth nodded silently. So Ansem had been used by the EVIL Disney and their EVIL works. Evilness! No wonder the guy was…well, weird.

Ansem gasped and started blushing furiously. "You know my name! Eep! By the way, can I have your autograph…?" He started searching his small plastic bag of goodies. 

"Curses!!! I forgot to bring pencil and paper!" He then started to hit himself over the head furiously with a magical mallet previously owned by Donald Duck. 

There was a long moment of silence. Ansem, obviously too nervous to speak, and Sephiroth, obviously too absorbed in his thoughts. Ansem slightly drooled looking at the person beside him. He had always wondered how Sephiroth would look like ever since he had finished FF7. The game had mucho bad graphics (due to it being a Playstation game) except the FMV's, but that's another story. It was nice seeing him in real life and all, but, he wanted to interact with him! 

And no, not _that_ way. Yet. *_*.

"Well, I've better things to do." Sephiroth got up. "Good-bye," He looked up and opened up his wing to take flight again.

No! Ansem thought. _No! Not when we've just met each other!!! Not yet!_

I hear ya, Ansem. ^_^

"What the?" With magical authoress powers, a handcuff had mysteriously appeared and had latched it's right cuff to Sephiroth's left hand. The other latched onto Ansem's right hand. A keyhole, oddly resembling the keyhole of many other worlds of (evil) Disney formed in the middle. Both Sephiroth and Ansem looked at it with a puzzled look on their faces.

"A-A handcuff?" Sephiroth finally spoke. Ansem, never being let out of the shack of his knew nothing of the objects outside of it.

"What is a handcuff?" Ansem asked as Sephiroth moved his left arm and Ansem's right arm followed with it. Sephiroth took a moment to think.

"Well, it's a metal object for the purposes of capturing bad mortals and locking them up in a cell," Sephiroth said.

"Bad means evil! And evil means darkness! Muahahahahahahaha!!! This is perfect!" Sephiroth slapped his forehead. Lord. Why did he have to be handcuffed to a guy like _him_?

"I want this off. And luckily for me and you, there is a boy with a key that can probably open this." Ansem made a curse-be-gone sign as Sephiroth spoke.

"No~~!! Not the boy with the keeeeeeey~~!!!" said the melodramatic Ansem. Sephiroth looked at him with zero signs of yaoi interest (Damn! XD) and proceeded to fly himself and the crazy guy in search of the boy with the key. As Sephy started flying, Ansem barely hung on to his flying hero by the handcuff they were attached to.

Ansem wasn't too happy. Not only did he not like being on the bottom (Whoa. O_O), he also did not like the Masamune's sheath constantly bonking him on his head. 

"Sephiroth-sama, can you please remove your sword?" Ansem asked. Unluckily for Ansem, Sephiroth took this request at a different *approach* and kicked the insane man's face into a lamp post, blushing slightly. 

Ansem: @_@;; 

****

For those of you who are weirded out, no, I do not support Ansem and Sephiroth as a romantic couple. As I display quite vividly in this fic, I'd rather have them adoring each other from a respectful distance. I mean, come on. You can tell Ansem is quite obsessed with Sephiroth. White hair, funky threads, and same execution. He's a basic clone of him, dammit! 

I guess I visualize Ansem as the 'lighter' side of Sephiroth; the more humorous, clumsy, and *cute* part. It's all the flaws of villains put into one. I find that awfully funny. Go (evil) Disney and your wonderful crossovers. ^^;;.

As for Sephiroth to Ansem, I don't know. He's one of those people that'd never tell slightest of hints, much less presumable. I'm particularly a big Cloud x Sephiroth fan so I'll just keep quiet at this part. ^_^;;.

Please review!!!


	2. Evil Gummy Ships

Chapter Two: Crikey!

Ara, I haven't updated in quite a bit, ya? *Gets whacked by anti-Wakka fans* How can you hate Wakka and his accent? They're so…funny! XD

~

"AAAAaaaaaAAaaah~~!!!!" A boy with coffee-colored hair roughly resembling a chocobo's plumage woke up. Perspiration was pouring down the sides of his 14-year-old head like the Niagara Falls. Scowling from the authoress's insult on the flow of his sweat and the sudden surprise he woke up from, he got up very stiffly, ruffling his already ruffled hair and yawning rather disgracefully.

"Uuugh.., I'm so tired…," Sora moaned, not realizing his body motions were enough to show his fatigue. After stretching, he perked up.

"Gee, that dream was strange. One really sexy man and an old gramps were handcuffed together…" he mumbled as he slid down the stairs. Of course, he didn't forget to lift his leg up near the end of the ride in fear his little willy might collide and take colossal damage from the ornamental orb on the end of the rail. 

"Ooh!" But Sora forgot! The pain of rail burn!!! He squirmed and rolled around in pain with his hands rubbing his thigh-crotch area ferverently. Stop giggling you spoony children! 

~

"Ohhh!! Where is Sora?!?!" Riku glanced at his imaginary watch and stomped his feet in dismay. He crossed his arms and started tapping his foot at an irregular rhythm. As he started to slow down, he got out a gold locket shaped like a heart from somewhere within his bosom. In the handcrafted frame was a picture of Sora with his signature stoned smile.

"Because.., I have something I want to tell him tonight, my precious. Yes, my precious," Faintly reminding himself of LOTR, Riku tried cackling evilly, but David Gallagher was unable to do so, resulting in some kind of horrible beaver retching noise. Blushing slightly, he cleared his throat and reminded himself never to try the evil cacklings again.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~~~ku!!!!" Sora's voice echoed through the east side of the island. Riku quickly hid the locket inside somewhere within his capacious pecs and returned the call. Sora, with much glee written on his face, sped to his best friend like a mad cheetah blinded by hunger and lusting for blood from its fresh victim. Ok, maybe not that obsessive.

Either way, Sora's speed was remarkable, his attraction to Riku was like a magnet. Fortunately for Riku, he had enough experience from the previous collisions to sidestep at the right time. Sora suddenly stopped, landed softly on his abnormally large clown shoes and then turned his head to shout at Riku.

"RIKU I HAD THE SCARIEST DREAM EVER!!!!!" Riku tapped his head a few good times to get the feeling back in his ears. Sora could easily win a screaming contest. 

"Um, Sora? You mind not screaming into my delicate ears?" Riku asked, still rubbing his ears. Sora gasped melodramatically and started whispering loudly (oxymoron…).

"Riku…I see dead people!!!" Riku looked at him with pure disbelief as well as an eyebrow twitch. He hated that movie. Yes, _that_ movie.

"No, it's true Riku! The man hanging down from the handcuff had his tongue hanging out of his mouth!" Sora said, truthfully.

"Well," Riku started, "The guy could have been dehydrated, tired, or relentlessly crashed into lamp posts." What irony; Riku did not realize was that he was actually correct. Sora pouted.

"Whatever it was, it sure was scary," Sora started muttering to himself and Riku grasped this chance to say a certain three word sentence. Riku stood up, properly cleaned himself of whatever dust got on him, and took on a manly pose.

"S-S-Sora, I-I lo--" VROOM! A large vehicle shaped like crappy legos put together in 8 minutes by a six-year-old zoomed by and landed near Riku and Sora, interrupting Riku's important speech.

"Damn it!! I was thissssssss~ close!!!" Riku snapped his fingers together and hissed under his breath.

"There's trouble! We need you to get on! Hurry!!" A white duck with a rather zippy costume called out harshly to the teenagers. As Sora got in, another on the ship, a dog with only two square teeth noted Riku's appearance. 

"Gee, gawrsh Donald Duck. Do we have to bring _him _along too?" The dog asked fearfully, faintly remembering the time Riku tried the Chinese water torture on him when Goofy refused to let him watch porn. Donald glowered at the trembling dog.

"Goofy, you idiot! The whole purpose of bringing the ship here was to retrieve the silver haired freak!" Riku's forehead vein slowly started to visibly show.

"Come on Riku!" The duck screamed. "I need someone less disturbing to talk to among these two." Both Sora and Goofy giggled, not knowing Donald was referring to them both as well as not knowing what Donald meant by 'less disturbing'. Riku reluctantly got on. He sat next to Sora, making plans to find another way to tell Sora the very words he longed to tell him since the day he reached Destiny Islands.

"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer~ You take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer on the wall 98 bottles of--" Sora and Goofy started singing to entertain themselves. As the song progressively grew louder and more persistent, Donald's colorless, white body began filling up with a nice shade of red.

"Keep it down you guys, I'm trying to concentrate so I can drive this ship properly" It was apparent that Donald could not tolerate such horrible, jarring music produced by Sora and Goofy.

"78 bottles of beer on the wall!!! 78 bottles of--"

"I said keep it down!!" Donald growled (ducks growl?). His body was now 75% dominated by red.

"69 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, 69 BOTTLES OF--"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!" Donald screamed, going completely insane smashing everything around him into pieces and bits with his wings and blabbering out bizarre noises only a mentally disturbed person could produce. The gummy ship began shaking violently, and only Riku seemed to be aware of its unusual condition.

"Sora? Is the gummy ship okay? I mean, it's not singing its damn theme song anymore…"

"Oh, he's fine Riku. At times, me and Goofy have to inject some elephant tranquilizers on him when he goes berserk but most of the time, he's fine." Sora cheerfully said. Riku began to panic, afraid his friend took a whiff of something not legal.

"Sora, I was referring to the ship," as soon as Riku said this, the gummy ship whirred at started spinning down into an unknown world…or continent.

~

Riku's head throbbed with intense pain. He slowly got up and checked his head carefully in a mirror. Nope, nothing protruded out from his perfectly shaped head. He smiled, proud of sexy self and got up to view the strange environment. All he could see was leaves, trees, and bushes.

"Sora? Sora? Sora?!?!" Riku called out, gradually getting louder. His voice echoed throughout the dense forest, yet, the disembodied voice seemed to be getting nowhere. 

"SORA!!!!" This time, the cry must have gotten somewhere. The silent forest's ground started rumbling. Pebbles near Riku's feet started trembling at an abnormal rate. Regretfully recognizing the signs of danger Riku began to pray in trepidation.

What? You ask for what happened to Ansem and Sephy-san? I shall gladly do so! =D

The two were obviously not in the best of moods, Sephiroth, with having to carry Ansem's 170-pound-comatose-body around and Ansem, with having too many bruises to count and unconscious.

"We're almost there…" Sephiroth said, using every ounce of his strength to drag the cumbersome load over the sand. 

A rainbow colored chameleon came to investigate. It swayed to and fro, and licked his left eye. He climbed up on a sign to get a better look at the two strangers.

Ansem started to open his eye and cursed in utter rage as the sand seeped into his mouth. 

"Dirt?! I, the master of Darkness, is eating dirt!!" He spewed out some nasty soil and nearly choked on a sand crab. He glanced on over to the sign.

"Ooh, a lizard…" Saliva began slyly creeping out of Ansem's dark lips and down to his chin. What he didn't notice, was the text on the sign "Welcome to Australia".

~

Ah ha ha, that was weird. And thanks for the goodie good reviews. I hand you all chocobo plushies for that.

Next, is Cloud and Leon!!! Woo hoo! O_o;;


End file.
